My Thoughts When Looking in the Mirror

I used to look in the mirror and say out loud, “I hate you.”

It began after my younger sister died.

I didn't walk around with this thought on my mind, it only came up when I looked at myself in the mirror.

The day I said “I want you to die,” I stopped looking.

I discovered the impact of the problem when I read that to do business online, photos are important.

Yes, I get that it is strange that I could live with this thought if I was just about me and it was when I wanted to share my work that it seemed like a real roadblock.

It was only when I had moved from the US and was living in Berlin and needed to move my business online that I understand what I was experiencing.

Photos, and now video, are an essential way to build know like and trust online.

In an entrepreneur online group I was talking about my issue with being photographed when I learned of the term body dysmorphia.

I was told I had body dysmorphia.

Body dysmorphia is a mental disorder where someone perceives a defect that others either don’t see. This leads to anxiety, shame, and other negative emotional impacts.

In my case, it meant I had an extreme misperception of how my face appeared to others accompanied by shame and anxiety.

I had friends. So obviously people were not running away from me at the sight of my face. 

But when it came to business I thought my image would scare people away. 

I tested the waters adding a few photos of myself in my Facebook feed but even this was emotionally excruciating.

Online businesses require that you are visible.

So imagine my horror when one coach told me that to launch my online course I would have to do Zoom calls.

Of course, I could avoid them but I had just paid more money than I had made all year to learn this launch method and the coach told me this was the ONLY WAY.

What to do?

Should I throw away all that money or push through my anxiety?

I decided, if my worst nightmare happened, people saw me and stopped watching, unsubscribed, said terrible things about me – that is okay.

In fact, I almost welcomed that reaction because then I wouldn’t have to show up, sit with my anxiety, feel like crying and cringing, and show my face. 

What happened?

Well, people didn’t leave. 

With my first selfie video, people said my rough video made them feel more comfortable.

Reading feedback at the end of this course, the majority of the respondents said the Zoom calls were best part of the program! 

I was crushed. What about the material I worked so hard creating.

Fast forward to today.

I just finished my second round of the course.

This time I had even more Zoom calls. 

Before each call, I’m still nervous. 

I still do not feel comfortable looking in the mirror.

But I realize, my perception is not reality.

And I know that I cannot show up and listen and support the people I want to support if I stay hidden.

Getting from there to even making that first investment into learning how to launch a course, was also a process that involved feeling my feelings and breathe work.

And it involved a process of feeling into my vision.

Not only feeling my vision but finding a vision that is stronger than all the roadblocks, those that are external or self-created.

At the end of the day, I find that most roadblocks are based on misperceptions.

I like to use the term perceptions rather than misbeliefs.

A belief seems deeply ingrained.

A perception feels lighter. 

It takes looking at something from a different angle.

For me, I've borrowed the eyes of others.

They didn’t run away screaming when they saw me on zoom, or abruptly hang up.

They even listen when I use ‘ums’ excessively, which I'm now working on curtailing.

After a recent magazine photoshoot I had (see photo above) I’m even thinking of doing phototherapy.

Sometimes, to follow our dreams, to make our vision a reality, we have to change our perception.

Where are you stuck?

Where can you use some self-compassion?

And what vision do you have that will pull you through your roadblocks.

The world needs our voices.

If I could make one suggestion to you right now, it would be to feel your feelings, breathe into them, and find a way to take your next step forward.